under, the analphabête series
(2002)
Published in Women & Performance: A Journal of Feminist Theory, Trafficking Boundaries issue, eds. Sara Bailes and Maiken Derno, vol.12:2 #24, 2002.
Subsequently amplified and revised for the Sound Voice Perform book in 2005.
Here the 2005 version is followed by the earlier 2002 version.
one one hour as one day one hour as one second one hour as one thought one hour spent staring at one hour as Kelly Mark one hour on hold one hour as one word one hour of making up lies one hour as “an idiot who utters thoughts with the grandiose tone of a self-appointed genius” one hour as one
gash we’re sewn shut not a pore left to breathe in or out in and out in to out all breathing now internal solipsistic air carbon air dead air kitty joins us under the covers clawing at whatever’s left shade of a shade obscured hemorrhage bled novel the claustrophobe becomes the claustrophile glacier tomato in block of ice held in my mouth until they both melt the tomato becomes a bloated tongue fleshy lips amplified grip walk to the nearest window count to thirty thousand return write impatience counts me out it runs away runs away without even looking no looking out just looking in blind as a bat don’t disturb I am not able to tell myself anything shut the window stale the air dead again heat it up make the room suffocate the claustrophile strangles the claustrophobe Gotham Dumbo staring at Wall Street across the river I’d like to lick your stock devaluate it I’d like to crash your system parse me packet me in there tcp/ip me in there I’d like to serve you my other tongue goodbye a kind of gaping hole is in me when we’re not in touch or I suppose the hole is always there agape a gap but dry when it is not fed a body further and further holed of the holes some heal retract on their own some defect and infect others ebb holes as inverted limbs limbs in reverse extensions that go inside the claustrophile says goodbye to the claustrophobe glyph whenever touch is in uncharted territory we shiver we become translucent and luminescent we dilate varicosed hieroglyphs grandmaster flash quotations break the lineage and are themselves broken off of lineage they jar the tenses they are polysemic activists they are the deejays of the text they manipulate us in turn they stalk grammar every kind of despair emanating from every pore a censored revolution a momentary relapse guide two inside out upside down people upside out and inside down positioned so as to be positionless positioned on points rather than lines or lines becoming points or when you point you are no longer there the destination always already set at point of departure the inertia of the line ended derail she said
cc couple combine attention deficit disorder contra yes to no words no to yes words
disease microbes bacteria viruses bad genes have their way with you list your lover here instances of the body amplified the lover disease they come over they inside you the ravishing of leprosy the ravishing of a lover a healthy body a healthy mind figments the disease might be in hibernation inside or kept at bay outside for a while but it’s only waiting not to be invited it outsmarts you you are the subject of the disease the disease is the author the author lover it writes you you can’t read damage it’s never going to happen it has already happened closed loop health report do you feel pain when you think of me? damage report don’t smile think of revenge with exponential force all this an investigation with scientific precision scalpels are sharper than anything edit you can’t get deeper any faster edit forced forcing demands hand jobs blow jobs nine to five jobs the roof of the mouth is anxious discourse it runs its course detraction I used to say “Every book is a failure to open the mouth” now I think “Every mouth is a failure to open the book” distance the measure of everything it sounds far away even when it’s next to you in time it stumbles over itself you can’t take enough distance to get away from distance you are measured even in all your excesses your transgressions are every inch a measure your escape is planned but you have no plan you want out dissymetry entry point to an exit distance between the far and near over there is always here once you’re encircled how to point at yourself without a mirror without an echo I am over there always here observing myself observe digestion I don’t care if I get mauled maimed chewed bitten pierced I want to be eaten and digested but I want to remain whole down the tract of the beast and out the hole of the ass still one like before but dirtier smellier visiting the innards I will take bites of my own through the throat the stomach the intestines I will leave my mark I will taste the insides I will know my killer inside out I will love my killer for choosing me as prey I will scare so easily it will scare back I will be such a willing victim that the will will no longer apply dentistry I will never open my mouth wide again dry I have no fluids I flood dam the dry walls It is all too clear when you hydrate you are social text when you dehydrate you are on your own die cut synoptic lives attempting to publish one’s own obit necrology as a perforation a performance a conduit which contracts and distends the tensesSuddenly in hospital weighing 9lbs 8ozs To Justin and Anita after a short illness whatever you can do to cut the fall vertiginous fatalities
momentary escape by standing still murmur murder all I need is a loudspeaker to make the suicided speech and I’m all bones maim ages and ages pass subtle before we realize that we die and not even screaming alters the intersection musique concrète face that sensorial emitter-receiver center that radiation that sheer naked up close yourhythmmyface Iyours
foe friend You and I Rick James and Martin Buber fifty-fifty half-assed fête Tati fact wind in your face face rewind Press pause wind and unface felt what is left once you fall fudge future edge follow stilled stifled fled
progeny and son on
incontinence the last continent the fluid territory that lasts the final release as your body expires its I in vacuo it is not a question of speaking in different tongues but of speaking in the same tongue tuned to different forks image beckett licking his mud lips idiosyncrasy autocracy for idiots i eye injure deficient eyelids we can see with our eyes closed under bright light the lids leak my imagination can see anything I might try to shut out trauma enters your head from the inside I can’t shut my eyes like I can shut up leakyeyes the body has no lid it can’t hide can’t run far enough fast enough ideomotor hands grip the entire bone of my face ingredients (1) tactics for the post-digital voice (2) techniques of mutism (3) conversations as sites of solitary confinement (4) amplified lumpen throat (5) how to ingest a microphone (6) “be cruel with your past and those who would keep you there” (7) the telephone as transducer of suffocations idée fixe I’ve been yodeling idée reçu you hate the yodel implosive the infinite blur is discernible only at the moment of caesura moment where the oscillation fibrillation briefly halts the pause is daunting it is a gap of infinitesimal magnitude at both ends of the spectrum from the brevity of the flash to the longitude of its hauntingimmobilities mortgaged movements in some entries can accommodate themselves as exits others function like trap doors erasing themselves upon entry in again despair has entered my vocabulary cozy bastardideas die as index digital amputation impregnable a vocabulary of the elliptical impatience …
——————————————————————————————
gash
we’re sewn shut, not a pore left to breathe in or out, in and out, in to out, all breathing now internal, solipsistic air, carbon air, dead air. kitty joins us under the covers, clawing at whatever’s left. shade of a shade, obscured hemorrhage, bled novel.
glacier
tonight: tomato in block of ice held in mouth until both melt, the tomato becomes a bloated tongue, fleshy, lips amplified.
grip
walk to the nearest window. count to thirtythousand. return. write. impatience counts me out. it runs away. runs away without even looking. no looking out, just looking in. blind as a bat. don’t. disturb. I am not able to tell myself anything. shut the window, stale the air, and heat it up. make the room suffocate.
Gotham
Dumbo here staring at Wall Street across the river, I’d like to lick your stock, devaluate it. I’d like to crash your system. parse me, packet me in there, tcp/ip me in there. I’d like to serve you my other tongue.
goodbye
a kind of gaping hole is in me when we’re not in touch, or I guess the hole is always there, agape, a gap, but dry when it is not fed, a body further and further holed, of the holes some heal, retract of their own, some defect and infect, others ebb, holes as inverted limbs, limbs in reverse, extensions that go inside.
glyph
whenever touch is in uncharted territory we shiver. we become translucent and luminescent. we dilate. varicosed hieroglyphs.
grandmaster flash
quotations break the lineage and are themselves broken off of lineage, they jar the tenses, they are polysemic activists, they are the deejays of the text, they manipulate us in turn, they stalk.
grammar
every kind of despair emanating from every pore. a censored revolution, a momentary relapse.
guide
two inside out upside down people. upside out and inside down. positioned so as to be positionless, positioned on points rather than lines, or lines becoming points, or when you point you are no longer there. the destination, always already set at point of departure. the inertia of the line, ended. derail, she said.
disease
it’s the only thing that lets you know you have a body. microbes, bacteria, viruses, bad genes have their way with you. list your lover here. instances of the body amplified, the lover disease. they invite themselves. they come over. they inside you. the ravishing of leprosy, the ravishing of a lover. a healthy body a healthy mind, figments. the disease might be in hibernation inside, or kept at bay outside. for a while. but it’s only waiting not to be invited. it outsmarts you. you are the subject of the disease. the disease is the author. the author lover. it writes you. and you can’t read.
damage
it’s never going to happen, it has always already happened. damaged. and damaging. closed loop. health report: do you feel pain when you think of me? damage report. don’t smile. think of revenge. with exponential force. all this an investigation, with scientific precision. scalpels are sharper than anything. you can’t get deeper any faster. forced, forcing.
demands
hand jobs, blow jobs, nine to five jobs. the roof of the mouth is anxious.
discourse
it runs its course.
detraction
I used to say “Every book is a failure to open the mouth” now I think “Every mouth is a failure to open the book.”
distance
the measure of everything, it sounds far away even when it’s next to you. in time, it stumbles over itself. you can’t take enough distance to get away from distance. you are measured. even in all your excesses. your transgressions are every inch a measure. your escape is planned. but you have no plan, you want out.
dissymetry
entry point to an exit, distance between the far and near, over there is always here once you’re encircled, how to point at yourself without a mirror, without an echo. I am over there always here, observing myself observe.
digestion
I don’t care, if I get mauled, maimed, chewed, bitten, pierced. I want to be eaten and digested. but I want to remain whole. down the tract of the beast and out the hole of the ass still one. like me but dirtier, smellier. visiting the innards I will take bites of my own, through the throat, the stomach, the intestines. I will leave my mark, I will taste the insides. I will know my killer inside out. I will love my killer for choosing me as prey. I will scare so easily it will scare back. I will be such a willing victim that the will will no longer apply.
dentistry
I will never open my mouth wide again.
dry
I have no fluids. I flood. dam the dry walls. It is all too clear: when you hydrate you are social text, when you dehydrate you are on your own.
momentary
escape by standing still
murmur murder
all I need is a loudspeaker to make the suicided speech and I’m all bones.
mother
I live in mouth
I crack my back
my father’s back
maim
ages and ages pass subtle before we realize that we die and not even screaming alters the intersection.
musique concrète
face, that sensorial emitter-receiver center, that radiation, that sheer naked. up close, yourhythmmyface, Iyours.
incontinence
the last continent, the fluid territory that lasts, the final release as your body expires its i.
in vacuo
it is not a question of speaking in different tongues but of speaking in the same tongue tuned to different forks.
image
beckett licking his mud lips.
idiosyncrasy
autocracy for idiots.
i
eye.
injure
deficient eyelids. we can see with our eyes closed under bright light. the lids leak. my imagination can see anything I might try to shut out. trauma enters your head from the inside. I can’t shut my eyes like I can shut up. leakyeyes. yes to no words, no to yes words. really the body has no lid. it can’t hide. can’t run far enough, fast enough.
ideomotor
my hands grip the entire bone of my face.
ingredients
(1) tactics for the post-digital voice (2) techniques of mutism (3) conversations as sites of solitary confinement (4) amplified lumpen throat (5) how to ingest a microphone (7) “be cruel with your past and those who would keep you there” (8) the telephone as transactions of suffocations.
idée fixe
I’ve been yodeling.
idée reçu
you hate the yodel.
implosive
the infinite blur is discernible only at the moment of caesura, moment where the oscillation, fibrillation briefly halts. the pause is daunting, it is a gap of infinitesimal magnitude at both ends of the spectrum: from the brevity of the flash, to the longitude of its haunting.
in
some entries can accommodate themselves as exits, others function like trap doors, erasing themselves upon entry.
in again
despair has entered my vocabulary. cozy bastard.
ideas
die as
index
digital amputation.
impregnable
a vocabulary of the elliptical.
impatience
…