1. Always give the wrong time, date, weather and news report.
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2. Constantly change your broadcasting frequency.
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3. Do any technical repairs, regular cleanings, planning for shows, committee meetings, training sessions, etc. on the air.
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4. Say what another station is saying at the same time. If they complain, tell them you’re a ventriloquist.
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5. Insist on the global installation of radio parking meters. The more you stay tuned to only one station the more you have to pay.
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6. Have an “Upside Down Week”; where all shows would be found in a different time slot.
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7. Have a “Search Week”; where all shows would not be found.
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8. Have a “Traffic Jam”; where stations in different cities broadcast each other’s traffic reports instead of their own.
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9. Play the accordion: go from one watt to full power in one watt per day increments and back down again.
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10. Keep all faders up for as long as it takes to play the entire record library of the radio station and then get rid of it.
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11. Keep all faders down and wait for a phone call.
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12. Fill your program with nothing.
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13. Empty your program of everything.
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14. Give your guest the controls and put yourself at the guest spot.
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15. Dissect the equipment of your radio station into its component parts: transistors, capacitors, integrated circuits, etc. and send one out to each of your listeners.
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16. Go as fast as the technology you’re using. Carry your words to your listeners by running.
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17. Find out who is listening to you at every moment and when you say hello on the air you have to say hello to every single one of them. The more people listen, the less you can say, aside from naming them.
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18. Find out how a radio broadcast is broken down into categories by your government’s regulatory body and mimic that analysis on the air. Their analysis assumes content is quantifiable. The categorization system becomes the content and they are left empty-handed.
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19. Have a fleet of bicycles racing with radios that are broadcasting another bicycle race.
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20. Re-locate your station to the bottom of a swimming pool, watch radiowaves drown.
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21. Dispel the notion than anyone is listening to you.
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22. Make every receiver a transmitter.
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